~Gothik-Tenkasen

I gotta fix that calendar I have/ Marked July 15th

I'M IN LOVE WITH MY COUSIN.

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system let me explain:

When I was in middle school I did some not so smart things and hung out with a crowd of people who were older than I was. This led to me doing some stupid shit and thinking that I could get whatever person I wanted if I really put my mind to it.

Cue my first meeting with my cousin. Let's call him Jack. Jack is a year and a half older than I am and at the time, was attending community college instead of high school due to homeschooling. He's intelligent, a musician, a feminist, a sci-fi nerd, practical, focused, determined, I mean really, the list could go on. He's half Korean, just like me.

Now to clarify, Jack's mother, who I shall refer to as Kim, is my mother's adopted cousin, making Jack my non-biological second cousin. Are we clear? There is absolutely no blood relation. With this in mind, I sparked an interesting, yet very short lived friendship with Jack. With my middle school crush and determination, I proceeded to humiliate myself. It didn't end very well and I pretty much haven't spoken to him since eighth grade. I'm about to be a senior in high school, to give you some perspective.

So now, after all this time I've spent burying and bandaging my wounded ego, karma kicks me right on in the face and dumped a twelve ton case of concrete on me in the form of my mother. She calls me up right after I got back from a road trip with my father. Here's the gist of how the conversation went:

Mom: Hi honey! How was your trip?

Ashley: Um, it was good.

Mom: Oh that's great. You'll never guess who's in town!

Ashley: Uh-

Mom: Jack and Kim! He's doing training right now for blahblahblahblah.

Ashley: ....

(internally) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!

O^O)=

So I proceeded to very calmly tell her that I would gladly join her, her boyfriend Tom and Kim for breakfast. Jack couldn't come due to said training and I silently thanked God.

I don't know what I would do if I saw him again. I miss him, I've missed him horribly since the beginning of high school. But I have my pride to consider! I feel the butterflies in my stomach, the ache in my chest and the tightness in the back of my throat but still!

Quite frankly, I could careless about the moral, ethical and societal aspects of this situation. As a pan-sexual, I believe that you fall in love with whoever you fall in love with. It's the humiliation that's killing me. I might not care, but he might. Besides, he told me point blank that he preferred older girls and according to my mother, he's currently dating a Korean girl a year or two his senior.

My mother has been rather supportive of me, if you'd like to call it that. She told me that it's natural for girls to have crushes on their op-pas (Korean for "older brother". This term is used loosely in Korea when addressing family or close family friends). Regardless, it still makes me feel like absolute shit.

I must have some of the worst luck in the world. I have no problem with loose flings but whenever I find someone I genuinely like, things seem to always fuck up. I can hardly comprehend what his reaction would be if he ever found out. I think I'd move. Not to another city, more like another state. Hawaii's nice... Alaska would be cool... Better yet, I'll move out of the country. I could spend time in Korea and Japan... maybe find a flat in London....

Thanks karma. Thanks a lot.